Four Strangers, One BIG Question: What Do Men Actually Need to Be Well?

I've been back from Peru for three weeks now.

I won't pretend to have the words for it yet. The jungle has a way of doing that to you — stripping language down, leaving you with something quieter and truer underneath. But then you come home, and the busyness rushes back in like water filling a hole, and suddenly you're wondering: how in the heck do I make this feeling last?

I found myself craving that quiet. The clean air. The particular kind of stillness that doesn't ask anything of you.

So instead of the jungle, I went to the mountain.

Crystal Mountain isn't Peru. But there's a gondola that takes you to a view of Mount Rainier filling the entire sky in front of you that does something similar. It interrupts you. It puts you in your place in the best possible way. So though I went there for silence and inner knowing, I left with a question from a stranger that deserves to be shared.

At the top, I struck up a conversation with three guys. Strangers. The kind of easy conversation that happens when you're all standing in front of something bigger than yourselves. It's always a small risk, telling people what I do for work. Psychologist. Men's mental health. Trauma. You never quite know how it's going to land. But these guys leaned in. They had real questions — thoughtful ones — and one of them asked something that's been sitting with me ever since:

"What are your top three recommendations for men to have good mental health?"

I want to share the answer I gave them here.

1. Find Your Purpose

Not your job. Not your role. Your purpose.

Men are often handed a script early on: provider, protector, achiever. And for some men, those things genuinely are their purpose — and that's okay. But only if they make you feel like your life is pointed at something real that brings you alive. Purpose answers the question: why does it matter that I'm here?

For some men, purpose lives in their family. For others it's in their craft, their faith, their community, or a calling to something larger than themselves. When men lose their sense of purpose — or never had the chance to find it — everything else gets harder. Depression often isn't sadness, for men. It's emptiness. Purposelessness wearing a convincing disguise.

If you don't know what yours is yet, that's okay. Pay attention to what makes you feel useful and alive at the same time. Not just happy. Not just productive. Both. The intersection where you lose track of time and feel like it matters is usually very close to purpose.

2. One Guys Night a Week

When I said this one, all three strangers asked if I could write it down so they could share it with their wives. They expressed frustration that guys night always ends up at the bottom of the priority list. I hear this often and have some thoughts on why that happens (but that's for another post).

The bottom line: male friendship is in a quiet crisis. Men are lonelier than they've ever been, and most of them won't say so out loud. Most men have been taught (often without words) that needing people is a weakness. So they white-knuckle through isolation and call it independence. But humans are not built for that. Connection is not optional for a healthy life, and it's not healthy to have only one person to lean on. We need at least three people we can call and who will actually show up, to have a true support network.

One intentional night a week with your people — playing cards, watching the game, hiking, doing absolutely nothing important — is mental health maintenance. It's not something to fit in after everything else gets done. It is the thing. The men I work with who have this in their lives are more grounded, more regulated, and honestly, better partners and fathers. Don't wait for it to happen naturally. Schedule it. Protect it. And express its importance to your significant other.

3. Stay Curious — Especially in Your Relationship

The opposite of curiosity isn't just boredom. It's assumption.

When we stop being curious about the people closest to us and assume we already know them, we stop actually seeing them. And they stop feeling seen. That's where distance creeps in, not with a dramatic fight, but with a slow drift neither person can quite name.

Curiosity sounds like: What's it like for you right now? What do you need that I might not know to give? How has this week changed you?

This applies to all relationships — friendships, your kids, even the one you have with yourself. But I put it on the romantic relationship specifically because that's where men are most likely to go on autopilot, and where the cost of doing so is highest. Stay curious. It is an act of love.

I came down the mountain that day with both things I needed: that feeling of inner peace, and a renewed spark for work that I can honestly say is my purpose. I love this work. I really do.

I’m going to go more in depth into each of these three components in the following weeks. I would love for you to follow along.

Written by: Kayla Bunderson, Psy.D

Dr. Kayla Bunderson is a psychologist specializing in trauma and men's mental health.